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SAT og test 4满分范文解析

本文来源于留学啦 2011-07-27 21:42 阅读次 标签SAT满分作文
本篇范文的作者展示了驾驭语言的高超能力。作者储存的词汇显然很丰富。对于那些会将成功引向灾难的人,作者有如下4种表达: “wrong hands”, “the unworthy”, “those who do not deserve it”,以及 “the unvirtuous”;

一、写作题目

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below

The old saying, “be careful what you wish for”, may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one’s perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once “success” is achieved than they were before.

Assignment: Can success be disastrous? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

题目翻译:

那句古老的谚语“当心你所期盼的东西”不失为一句恰当的警示。实现特定目标的动机能够危险地使一个人的观念变得狭隘,并且助长这样一种幻想:一次努力后的成功能够解决生活中的所有问题。事实上,成功有时候会带来无法预料的后果。那些为着实现某一目标而奋斗的人常常发现,“成功”实现后他们的生活变得比过去更糟了。

命题:成功可以是灾难性的吗?

二、6分范文

The power of success can be disastrous when placed in the wrong hands. Naturally, there are those who will always choose to manipulate conditions to succeed in their own endeavors, not taking into consideration the lives of those around them. On the other hand, there may be those who do not necessarily pursue selfish ends, but simply do not know where to take success once it has been achieved, thus resulting in their own self-sabotage.

Throughout history, we have seen success used wrongfully in the hands of the unworthy. Powerful leaders of nations, kingdoms, and empires, having succeeded in gaining leadership, have then used their influence wrongfully in achieving their own selfish (and sometimes twisted) goals. Nero, the Roman emperor who beat his pregnant wife to death and has been suspected of instigating the great fire of Rome in an attempt to boost his own political influence; Henry VIII of England, for whom women were beheaded for not bearing him a son, and who is rumored to have eaten eight chickens a night while English peasants starved; The notorious Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, who carried out the Spanish Inquisition… The list is endless. Even in literature, we see the corruption and downfall of society and mankind as a whole as a result of the abuse of success in the possession of those who do not deserve it, as seen in William Shakespeare’s tragedy of King Lear. In the story, societal order is replaced with chaos when there is a power shift from Lear to his evil daughters, Regan and Goneril. This order only returns to a slight degree when virtue (in the form of Lear’s good daughter, Cordelia) returns to England. Success is hazardous when awarded to the unvirtuous.

However, there may be those who are not necessarily evil of greedy in their pursuits, but merely do not know how to handle success. This proves to be just more disastrous to the individual than to anyone else, since it is the individual who will then sabotage his own success to return to his former comfort zone. Success is meant to be grown upon, not exploited or feared.

Success, when achieved by the unworthy or inexperienced, is a most disastrous element. Success is not about being happy at the expense of those about you –it is about using one’s newly gained happiness to improve the lives of others. If one reflects on the wise words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, one will never go astray: “To know that one person has breathed easier because you have lived -this is to have succeeded.”

范文翻译:

当成功被错误的人掌握时,其力量将是灾难性的。世上自然有这样的人:他们总是尽力操纵局面,实现自我成功,而不把周围的人生死放在眼里。另一方面,还有这样的人,他们追求的目标不一定自私,但就是不知道怎么对待取得的成功,因此落得自我毁灭的下场。

纵观历史,可见不肖之徒妄用手中的成功。那些强大的帝王领袖成功获取了领导权,又妄用其影响力以实现自己自私的(有时是变态的)目的。罗马皇帝尼禄(Nero)将怀孕的妻子鞭打致死,有人怀疑,他曾为了擢升自己的政治影响力而点燃罗马大火;英国国王亨利八世(Henry VIII of England)因为女人没能为他生下王子而将其送上断头台,据传,在英国农民忍饥挨饿的时候,他却能一晚上吃掉8只鸡;还有西班牙臭名昭著的费迪南德和伊莎贝拉(Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain),他们在西班牙设立起进行异端审判的宗教法庭。名单无穷无尽。即使在文学作品里,我们也能看见因为本不配得到成功的人滥用成功而对整个社会和人类造成的腐败和衰落,正如我们在威廉·莎士比亚的悲剧《李尔王》(King Lear)中所见的那样。故事中,当李尔王将权力移交给邪恶的女儿瑞根和高纳里尔后,混乱取代了社会秩序,只有当美德(以李尔王的好女儿考蒂利亚伟化身)回归英国之后,秩序才稍稍恢复。当成功落入无德之人手中时,成功是危险的。

然而,有些人的愿望不一定邪恶或贪婪,只是他们不知道如何对待成功。相比对其他人而言,这种情况对当事人来说更具灾难性,因为他会毁掉自己的成功,回到原来的舒适区。成功应该使人成长,而不应被妄用,也不应使人害怕。

当卑鄙的人或不成熟的人取得成功时,成功是最具灾难性的。成功不是以牺牲身边人为代价换取幸福,而是用刚刚得到的幸福去改善其他人的生活。如果一个人能够仔细思考拉尔夫·沃尔多·爱默生(Ralph Waldo Emerson)的话:“成功就是知道有人因为你的存在而呼吸得更轻松。”,他就永不会误入歧途。

三、得分点详解

1 effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position

围绕论题有效、深刻地发展一个论点,运用贴切的事例、因果分析和其他证据支持论点,从而展示出色的思辨能力。

针对命题“成功可以是灾难性的吗?”,本文提出论点 “当成功被错误的人掌握时,其力量将是灾难性的”(The power of success can be disastrous when placed in the wrong hands.)。接下来,作者进一步指出,错误的人分为两类:第一类人为了实现自我成功,而不把周围的人生死放在眼里;另一类人追求的目标不一定自私,但就是不知道怎么对待取得的成功,因此落得自我毁灭的下场。(Naturally, there are those who will always choose to manipulate conditions to succeed in their own endeavors, not taking into consideration the lives of those around them. On the other hand, there may be those who do not necessarily pursue selfish ends, but simply do not know where to take success once it has been achieved, thus resulting in their own self-sabotage.)

作者分别从历史和文学两方面对自私自利的人成功后带来灾难进行了事例论证。历史人物包括罗马皇帝尼禄(Nero),英国国王亨利八世(Henry VIII of England),以及西班牙的费迪南和伊莎贝拉(Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain)。他们“成功地取得了领导权”,却“妄用其影响力以实现自己自私的(有时是变态的)目的” (Powerful leaders of nations, kingdoms, and empires, having succeeded in gaining leadership, have then used their influence wrongfully in achieving their own selfish (and sometimes twisted) goals.),从而给人民带来了灾难。在此作者运用列举法,并没有对每个人物做过多细节性的渲染,而是选取了他们最具代表性的行为,虽然篇幅简短,却显得论据充足,颇有气势。作者还选取了文学人物,李尔王的坏女儿瑞根和高纳里尔(Regan and Goneril)作为事例。她们也成功地取得了王位,却使得“混乱取代了社会秩序” (In the story, societal order is replaced with chaos when there is a power shift from Lear to his evil daughters, Regan and Goneril.)

对于那些因为不懂得如何对待成功而自取毁灭的人,作者并没有给出具体事例,只是分析到他们毁掉成功的原因是因为害怕成功,希望“回到原来的舒适区” 。(it is the individual who will then sabotage his own success to return to his former comfort zone.)

在结尾段,作者总结到:“当卑鄙的人或不成熟的人取得成功时,成功是最具灾难性的。”( Success, when achieved by the unworthy or inexperienced, is a most disastrous element.)并提出对成功的正确认识:“成功不是以牺牲身边人为代价换取幸福,而是用刚刚得到的幸福去改善其他人的生活。”( Success is not about being happy at the expense of those about you –it is about using one’s newly gained happiness to improve the lives of others.)最后,作者引用了拉尔夫·沃尔多·爱默生(Ralph Waldo Emerson)的话:“成功就是知道有人因为你的存在而呼吸得更轻松。” (“To know that one person has breathed easier because you have lived -this is to have succeeded.”),并指出如果一个人能够仔细思考这句话,他就不会误入歧途,可谓给“成功带来灾难”的现象开出了一剂药方,升华了主题。

整篇文章综合运用了事例、分析和引用来证明论点,展现了出色的思辨能力。

2 is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas

结构合理,中心明确,思路连贯,衔接自然。

文章采用总-分-总的结构,首段提出论点,中间段用事例证明论点,末段引经据典,总结事例并升华主题。在叙述事例的时候,作者综合运用了 “On the other hand”, “but”, “thus”, “since”等过渡词,以及过渡句,如第二段开头的 “However, there may be those who are not necessarily evil of greedy in their pursuits, but merely do not know how to handle success.” 文章在语义衔接上也十分流畅。

全文紧扣论点,不枝不蔓,起承转合十分得体。

3 exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary

  显示运用语言的技巧,词汇丰富、准确、恰当

4 demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure

运用多种句子结构

5 is free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics

在语法、用法和技巧上错误很少

本篇范文的作者展示了驾驭语言的高超能力。作者储存的词汇显然很丰富。对于那些会将成功引向灾难的人,作者有如下4种表达: “wrong hands”, “the unworthy”, “those who do not deserve it”,以及 “the unvirtuous”;同样是赢得权力,作者也用了 “succeeded in gaining leadership” 和 “power shift”两种表达方式;关于不见于史书的轶事,写尼禄的时候是 “has been suspected of”, 而写亨利八世的时候则是 “is rumored to”。作者对各种句式的运用也很熟练。第一段的 “On the other hand, there may be those who do not necessarily pursue selfish ends, but simply do not know where to take success once it has been achieved, thus resulting in their own self-sabotage.”既是多重从句,又有现在分词做状语; 而第二段的 “In the story, societal order is replaced with chaos when there is a power shift from Lear to his evil daughters, Regan and Goneril.” 则运用了被动语态和同位语。全文长短句结合,参差有序。

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